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Glee - Season 2 Episode 5 - “The Rocky Horror Glee Show” 

I stole this screencap from the A.V. Club, because, how could I NOT?

Also, to anyone who follows this up with a comment that looks anything like, “Well if you don’t like it, stop watching!!11,” I. WILL. FIGHT YOU.

It’s a funny thing, going into Ryan Murphy episodes in state of absolute dread. The man gave this show life, but he seemingly has no qualms about destroying it from the inside. It’s his modus operandi, but at least in the cases of Popular and Nip/Tuck, it was all 100% his material to destroy. Glee has the added factor of 1.) being Ian Brennan’s idea in the first place and 2.) having other’s “creations” (and yes, I realize Britney Spears, for example, is really the creation of music writers, marketing teams, and shock value, but you should know what I mean — the brand of Britney Spears and her as a performer) to toy with.

Considering how all three writers share the responsibility of telling the Glee story*, you’d think that they’re also take turns in the big event episodes — especially after how critically-panned “The Power of Madonna” was for its introduction of the ‘music before story’ approach (an approach “Britney/Brittany” took to the next level, even with adding a non-Britney song as a bookend) to Glee. So it’s surprising that Ryan Murphy is still taking charge of these particular episodes.

Then again, if Brad Falchuk were given the Super Bowl episode, for example, he’d probably kill off Burt to the sounds of Rachel confusingly and inappropriately belting “Streets of Philadelphia,” and it would be the most depressing musical tribute episode ever, thus stopping all tribute episodes on Glee and any television show.

…

Actually, on second thought, I’d love for that to happen. Sorry, Burt. Sorry, Springsteen. Sorry, Universe.

This episode will also make Ryan two for two on gimmick episodes this season — we have yet to see what a typical Glee episode from Ryan will be like in season two. Not that there’s anything “typical” about any Ryan Murphy episode (of anything), but you know what I mean.

*I’m sorry, but if you don’t believe in the 3 Glee’s theory, I find you absolutely hopeless, and I suggest you just stop reading this. I don’t even know why you’re reading this. Might I direct you to Fuck Yeah Glee (Ship) Secrets? I’m sure you’ll enjoy it there.**

**Ryan Murphy brings out the bitch in me.***

***The condescending nature is always there though.

On my first viewing, I didn’t completely hate the episode. Yes, I hated Will (he won the Worst Character EVER award for this week, as he tends to do with episodes where Artie’s not the worst — but Artie was an extremely close second, even with just a few lines), but I was somewhat relieved that the Rocky Horror musical within the episode was intentionally bad. I think. That’s what I got out of it. I hope. And I found it refreshing for Finn to have a storyline outside of Kurt, Rachel, and grilled cheese…until I remembered how annoying it is that he is so. damn. insecure. (He has his popularity that he realized wasn’t all that important in the grand scheme of things in the PILOT EPISODE. Why is he so obsessed with the acceptance of his peers? Why hasn’t Ryan Murphy left this show yet?) And I remembered how worried I was by the news of Cory Monteith working his ass off to lose weight and get those lovely abs for this episode awhile back (even though it wasn’t nearly as bad as what Mark Salling went through a the beginning of the first season). And I was happy that most of the characters were written as something other than horrible…but then I realized most of the other characters had absolutely anything to do, so of course they weren’t awful. But then again, I didn’t go into “The Rocky Horror Glee Show” with the same expectations as I had for “Britney/Brittany.”

Prior to the episode, it didn’t so much upset me that this episode and these covers would be many people’s first exposure to The Rocky Horror Picture Show as it did that there are people who will (and from what I’ve read, do) actually find this episode superior to the original stage show and film. At its very best (which isn’t great, I assure you), “The Rocky Horror Glee Show” is a cheap homage (if you squint?) to its predecessors, and at its worst, it’s a bastardization and a spit in the face of anyone who actually cares about the spirit of Rocky Horror. A bit extreme? Yes. Inaccurate? I don’t really think so.

I grew up watching The Rocky Horror Picture Show on VH1 with my mom every Halloween. I have an awful memory as it is, but I’m pretty sure I had absolutely no idea what was going on by the time the movie got to the third act (and to tell the truth, I just watched the movie on Sunday, and I can still pretty much say the same thing). I did eventually figure out that the third act is about a hop, skip, and a jump away from soft-core porn, which sure as hell isn’t going to happen on any network show. But since I’ve come to realize that my story of childhood memories of yearly Rocky Horror viewings (despite the maturity of the film) is a story that a lot of other people can relate to, it’s even more ridiculous that it has to be completely sanitized for a show that is pretty much a caricature of a family show (which, if people actually read the very good GQ article instead of just looked at the shiny pictures and complained about the corruption caused by 24-28 year olds being 24-28 year olds instead of the corruption caused by a perverted man who shouldn’t even still be working in the first place, they’d know that was pretty much Ryan’s intent). The demo they’re trying to censor this all for is the same demo that thinks Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift are role models.

Don’t you just love it when I bring the social commentary? Pretty soon I’ll be talking about “back in my day” and the crazy noise the whippersnappers today call “music.” 

The one thing I can’t completely fault Ryan Murphy on (but don’t worry, he still has quite a bit of fault) is the Frank-n-Furter situation. In case you were unaware, The Stamos was originally supposed to take on that role, but Fox made Murphdalurph scrap that plan and stick with a female, because…trannies are bad and the reason for the decay of the American family? Blah blah blah Rocky Horror is about outcasts blah blah blah but no transsexuals allowed. Yeah, sometimes I forget this show’s on Fox too (if Glee were on FX, we’d have had transsexuals by the third episode, if not sooner), and the move to 8 PM really didn’t help the case. But fear not, gentle readers — there’s still a place to blame Ryan Murphy in this mess. I don’t need to hear Mercedes scream (seriously, that’s what the entire song sounds like to me, and there’s a reason this song is one of the five Glee songs I will ALWAYS skip on iTunes) about being from “sensational Transylvania,” either. I’m not up in arms about having a female Frank-n-Furter, but I am tired of screaming Mercedes (even if I do giggle and say “key change!” every time she starts screaming in “Don’t Stop Believin’ 2.0), and this really is not a song you scream. I will say this every chance I get, but Santana should’ve been Francine-Furter.

Yep, Francine-Furter is what I’m calling this whole mess now.

I can already hear the shouts of hardcore Gleeks (who really are about as shallow as it comes) in protest to my obvious decision to write-off Amber Riley in this role due to her appearance as compared to girls like Lea and Dianna (and this criticism would probably come from those Gleeks who dedicate a considerable amount of time posting about Lea Michele’s legs and Dianna Agron’s…blondeness?). Now, I’m obviously not saying a woman can’t play this role. “If you can dream it, be it,” after all. But even diluted and “family friendly,” the role of Frank-n-Furter/Francine-Furter needs to ooze sex appeal and sensuality. And it’s subtle, which is something Amber Riley’s Glee songs rarely exhibit. This is the only way Francine-Furter can still somehow work. When you hear this song, you should want to have dirty hot sex (sorry, kiddies) with the singer, male/female/undecided/WHATEVER – you don’t even need to know what they look like beforehand. Just hearing the Glee version made me want to swear off sex even more than usual.

Yeah, sorry for the over share, but it needed to be said.

So because I touched upon it earlier, I need to go further into the fact that Will Schuester is not only one of the worst characters the show, but he’s one of the worst characters on television right now. And television has meth dealers as likable protagonists. When Glee began, I truly believe Will cared about the kids in the glee club, despite his misguided ways (disco, rapping, inappropriate student-teacher relations, etc.). In the pilot, when Terri tells him he’s just trying to vicariously relive his glory days, I, like the rest of us, believed that she was just overreacting because she was insane (really, she’s one of the sanest — albeit, woefully misguided — people on this show when you think about it), but there has been so much since then that completely supports her statement.

Let’s take a tally, shall we:

• Gets jealous that The Stamos “made [Emma] better”
• Figures that if he had just taken Emma to Rocky Horror, that would’ve ‘fixed’ her (and hey, if her being ‘fixed’, would lead to him getting laid, I’m sure he’d be ecstatic)
• Lies about his love of Rocky Horror to get on Emma’s good side
• Completely misses the point of Rocky Horror due to his own self-absorption
• Presumably takes the fall musical away from the DRAMA club
• Completely disregards the kids’ initial protests that Rocky Horror is too inappropriate for school
• THINKS ROCKY HORROR IS AN APPROPRIATE SHOW FOR ANY SCHOOL
• Allows Finn and Rachel to be Brad and Janet without auditions or the opinions of the other glee club members, who already have to double up
• “Auditions, schmauditions. This isn’t a gleeocracy — it’s a gleetatorship.” – me
• Makes the kid in the wheelchair be the character in the wheelchair
• Suggests the effeminate gay kid plays the transsexual
• Completely disregards how uncomfortable Sam is in his Rocky costume (and only mentions it in his “reasoning” behind replacing Sam as Rocky)
• Removes Sam from the Rocky role as: a way to have a macho-pissing contest with The Stamos AND a way to get Emma to want him
•  Goes after another man’s girl, especially after explicitly promising that he wouldn’t (here’s a wild thought – it’s possible that not everyone likes to cheat on their significant others)
•  Gave Kurt’s GREAT Riff-Raff parts in “Time Warp” to Finn (which, okay, Cory actually sounded good, but STILL – when WON’T Will screw Kurt over?)
• Thought the kids’ performances were actually good
•  Proven wrong about everything by Sue yet again
• Didn’t keep his shirt off the entire episode
• Didn’t have chocolate for Becky
• Didn’t step down from his position as glee club director and hand it over to The Stamos, who has already shown to care more about the kids than Will does
• Didn’t shut that Mercedes/Francine-Furter mess DOWN
• Lacked the qualities of anything resembling likability
• Kicked a puppy <== on the cutting room floor, but I swear it happened

Feel free to add more to this list.

When it really comes down to it, this is not a good tribute episode, and it’s not even a good episode. It’s not necessarily a trainwreck, because it’s really too dull to be. It’s nowhere near as over the top as it should be, which is extremely surprising given the circumstances. For all my loathing of “Britney/Brittany,” that was an episode that went big. And on a personal level, this kind of episode is my greatest fear – I’m currently in the process of writing a spec episode script for Glee, and because of the focus and set-up, I know it’s definitely the type of episode that would be seen in Ryan Murphy’s “big episode extravaganza” Glee. Scary, I know.

And what did any of the characters gain from this episode? Finn and Will were the only ones with anything at stake, and I can assure you Finn will be every bit as obsessed with his status as he was before, and Will will never not be self-absorbed. So why couldn’t we put the focus on characters like Tina, who I would have no problem believing would be into Rocky Horror, or Quinn, who I’m curious to know why she would even know anything about the show given her upbringing, or Kurt, since I would say Chris Colfer was one of the few actually truly into making this episode (especially considering how many of the cast have even said they just don’t “get” Rocky Horror).

Alright, that’s all I need to say about Glee until the next episode in two weeks. Discuss amongst yourselves.

-LaToya (ironicalness)

90210 - Season 3 Episode 6 - “How Much is That Liam in the Window?”

Hey, remember how Mr. Matthews was an alcoholic and went into a boring downward spiral that culminated in him vandalizing the school last season finale and completely ignoring that fact that Naomi was about to get raped by Mr. Rapey? Well that’s all finally important now!

Okay, maybe the insta!rehab isn’t important, but the rest of it is.

The absence of Gay!Grandpa Teddy meant more screentime for Skeevy Oscar and lots of shirtless Liam (thus the shirtless Liam screencap instead of a Teddy is NOT a teenager one). One of these things is good. I’ll give you a hint — it’s not the one that includes tall, dark, and sleazy. I can’t even believe how much I missed that so-blond-it-almost-hurts old man. What is this show doing to me?

Fine, I’ll tell you what it’s doing to me.

The episode picks up the morning after Skeevy stole Ivy’s innocence and blah blah blah he eventually drops the bomb that he slept with both mother and daughter blah blah blah Ivy thinks she’s Marissa Cooper because her mom gave it up good to the dude who took her virginity, but she’s too boring for me to ever even care enough to want to see her OD in TJ blah blah blah why is this a storyline?

Also, I hate to say it, Adrianna needs to either have a new storyline — perhaps connected with actually going to the same school as all of her friends — or Jessica Lowndes just needs to leave this show. Option B is the best option, because I’m all for the cast members I like to save themselves. But then there’s always option C — Adrianna goes back on drugs. That always brought the laughs, right?

It’s just, we know the character has low self-esteem, but can’t they just transfer it away from being around pervy men who are way too excited to have someone else sing their dead nephew’s songs? Can’t they just end him the way the ended Javier? (It’s not like this show is original.) Can’t they just have Annie kill him? (It’s not like this show will punish her.) Can’t he just turn gay? (It’s not like this show is above that.)

I honestly didn’t even know who this girl was when I watched the episode, but now I remember her as the psycho who bought Liam at the perfectly appropriate for school bachelor auction. Whatever, I’m not the only one who had absolutely no idea who she was.

Anyway, Cray Cray (that’s her new name, seeing as how I don’t know what her actual name is, and I don’t care to learn it), wants to take Liam to go see the Cold War Kids at the Troubadour, and I’m starting to warm up to her. Liam says no (because the only music he listens to is the sounds of Annie’s whines of how her life as a murderer is so hard?), and I want to know why this show would tease me like that. Instead, we get The Like, because Beverly Hills is still living in 2004 or something.

And because this show takes place in 2004, Liam finally fulfills his lifelong dream of becoming Ryan Atwood (his replacement lifelong dream when his original lifelong dream of becoming Dylan McKay was dashed — becoming homeless will do that to you) by getting a place to live in Cray Cray’s poolhouse.

In case you lost count, that’s two instances of 90210 trying to be The O.C. in one episode and two more instances of this show being the worst.

At one point in the poolhouse — already a better set than the Beach Club, because I loathe the Beach Club — Cray Cray makes a comment about her and Liam being like Bella and Edward, and instead of being offended (but not surprised) by the writers even making that line exist, I was too busy being reminded of how Matt Lanter playing Edward in Vampires Suck.

Then I was too busy laughing hysterically at the emotional montage set to Chris Isaak’s “Wicked Game,” because every time I hear that song now, I’m brought back to the movie theater where I actually paid to see The Informers and one of my friends would start singing the song every time Chris Isaak would be on the screen. Throw in the fact that Jessica Stroup in all her stick figure glory (love the Stroup — hate the insane weight loss that came with 90210) was in a scene with Chris Isaak in the movie, I couldn’t take anything about this song choice seriously.

Now I’m trying to decide which would be a worse torture — having to watch The Informers on a loop for the rest of my life, or having to watch this episode of 90210 on a loop for the rest of my life. Hmm.

Probably this episode, and here’s why:

Chris Brown is cray cray (not to be confused with Cray Cray), because he (and Liam) got beaten and has a bunch of scars…that, in the case of Liam, NOBODY EVER NOTICED UNTIL NOW BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T EVEN EXIST UNTIL THIS PARTICULAR SCENE YOU THINK THE WRITERS WOULD REALIZE THAT SINCE THEY MAKE MATT LANTER TAKE OFF HIS SHIRT EVERY CHANCE THEY GET AND HE SPENT HALF THE EPISODE WITH HIS SHIRT OFF THAT WAS AN ACTUAL PLOT POINT IN THIS EPISODE.

(Also, Chris Brown is a pretentious douche who can’t speak French or write to save his life. And dating Annie, self-preservation skills may be necessary.)

But wait, there was actually some stuff I liked. If you guessed “the stuff with Naomi, Jen, and Silver,” you’d be right, because we all know they’re the only worthwhile characters, right?

Okay, Navid is great too, but he does this thing where he just disappears from the show, and the only reason I’m not a fan of that is because it usually means he ends up on things like True Blood or Covert Affairs.

Plus, this part of the episode acknowledged the fact that Kelly is still alive and Silver’s legal guardian, simultaneously making me giddy (it gave me something more to write about in a recapview that’s already too long for a show this shallow) and bumming me out (all I want from this show is David Silver — he’s so precious to me). Kelly’s making sure Silver’s going to her therapy sessions with the new school guidance counselor, because since Jennie Garth wasn’t getting PAID (which is different from “getting paid”) by the 90210 peeps and left, Silver can’t tell her the truth about the whole Rapey thing. So there will be absolutely no discussion of Kelly’s whole backstory in Beverly Hills, 90210 about being raped and how that pretty much screwed her up for the rest of ever. There just won’t be.

So instead, Jen finds out that Rapey raped Naomi, and then this show gives me another reason to hate it, because I for one would LOVE for Jen to kill Rapey. NO ONE WOULD EVER FIND THE BODY, PEOPLE. Jen is greater than everyone on this show, and I wish they would understand this. She’s the Julie Cooper-Nichol of this show, dammit.

(The O.C. comparison #3. And even though it’s one I just made up and I’m grasping at straws for, I’m completely behind this one.)

This is what leads to Mr. Matthews admitting his alchy driving ways, and how he honestly believed that Rapey shutting the blinds of his office while alone with Naomi was for innocent reasons. Because, since it’s clear he remembers seeing this, the fact that he just shrugged it off at the time is another reminder that he’s completely useless.

Jen should get rid of him too.

-LaToya (ironicalness)

The Vampire Diaries - Season 2 Episode 6 - “Plan B”

I apologize in advance if this recapview (I’m trying something new here — just go with it) is a hot damn mess. After two viewings of “Plan B,” I’m still in awe. Don’t make me do a third viewing. Also, pre-recapview segue!

Dear Lord Kevin Williamson and Lady Julie Plec,

If you or any of your staff manages to stumble upon this recapview, could you please contact me? And then hire me as a writer’s assistant or PA? And then take me under your wing to teach me everything about writing amazing TV, especially in a genre that has become stale elsewhere? That would really just be the best thing ever.

Love, LaToya

P.S. Julie once replied to me on twitter. I think that proves she likes me.

I’m just going to start this by putting it all out there. If I were the type to start online petitions — which I’m not, unless it’s the petition to get me a gig in the writer’s room of The Vampire Diaries — I would petition for Candice Accola to be in every show/movie/charity telethon for the rest of ever. The way this storyline is progressing, this would usually be the point in the series where I’d say she’s too good for this show, but honestly, all of The Vampire Diaries is too good for The CW. I can honestly say that Caroline Forbes is one of the most compelling characters on television today, and I’m even more satisfied with my Cordelia Chase comparison that I made at the very beginning of the series (there’s no documentation for this, but it happened, so shut up).

Sheriff Forbes: Are you…really dead?

Caroline: Yes and no.

Sheriff Forbes: How is it possible?

It’s not fair that I have to watch this show with a box of tissues nearby now. Just…this entire mother/daughter subplot is the most realistic part of the show, and now I need to move on to stop from crying again.

So here’s the thing I really wish Bonnie would get through her head. The Vampire Diaries makes it very clear that once you’re turned into vampire, you’re still inherently you, just “intensified.” There’s no loss of soul, even though there is a mental switch you can choose to turn on or off. So all of Bonnie’s talk of Caroline being gone or not herself is really just a load of crap fueled by her vampire loathing…that apparently doesn’t stop her from helping Stefan and Damon, who were never her friends, no matter how nice they ever are to her when they want something.

Bonnie, Elena, and Caroline throw around the “best friend” tag a lot, but as far as I’m concerned, it goes this way in terms of friendship:

For Bonnie, Elena is her best friend, and vice versa. But for Caroline, Bonnie is (or was) her best friend. I actually found their friendship to be much stronger than the Bonnie/Elena friendship (at least on the Caroline side) last season, because I firmly believe that, other than maybe Matt, Bonnie was Caroline’s only real friend.

And I believe Tyler said it best:

She’s an insecure, neurotic, bitchy little twit… But the girl’s got heart! She means well. Just gotta take the good with the bad sometimes.

Bonnie really should’ve been eavesdropping on that conversation.

Okay, enough about the epic that is Caroline middlename Forbes, who is greater than all of us.

Elena and Stefan start the episode off with a continuation of that whole “we’re fake broken up” thing, which, to be completely honest, was nothing resembling a fool-proof plan. Damon figured out it was a ruse almost immediately after it began, Elena let Caroline in on the secret, and Aunt Oblivious Jenna even knew (more on that later, of course) because apparently Stefan and Elena are loud when they do it. Pretty sure that’s the opposite of a fool-proof plan. It’s just…a fool’s plan. The episode’s teaser is intercut with the juxtaposition of Mason and Katherine, which begs the question: are the writers saying that Katherine actually does love Mason, or is it a contrast between real love (Elena and Stefan) and 100% hot lust oh my god just rewatch the scene and manipulation (Katherine and Mason)? All signs point to the latter, but you really never know anything with Katherine — her idea of “love” is iffy at best.

Jeremy’s quest to stay relevant and have a purpose in life is adorable in that ‘Jeremy’s still kind of dense, but at least he’s not a junkie or on suicide watch anymore’ sort of way. Also, how often does the boy get choked? It might be starting to get into Sam Winchester territory. Clearly, the fact that everyone (Damon, Alaric, Elena, Tyler, the audience) thinks he’s insane to try to get involved means that he’ll either shock us all and save the day OR he’ll die and we’ll all laugh about how he thought he could be useful.

Either way, we’ll be entertained, am I right?

In true TVD fashion, Mason Lockwood got killed just as he was starting to get really interesting. His legacy will live on, and he left behind the fondest memories of his heart literally being ripped out and his…tramp stamp?

And while it was a shocking moment to say the least, in hindsight, of course Jenna was able to be tricked and manipulated by Katherine. This is the woman who spends her days drunk Binging, the way you do when you’re in grad school (at least that’s what I assume, since I’m not in grad school). And it’s amazing how invested The Vampire Diaries can make me in a character I find to be as useless (not pointless, because the children need their guardian, and I don’t see UncleDaddy Sark doing that any time ever) as Jenna. I don’t necessarily miss her when she’s gone, even though her lack of parenting skills does give me laughs when she’s around, but as soon as she lifted that knife above her head, I certainly yelled at my computer screen.

When the show’s at its best — like in this episode — it really takes advantage of its entire ensemble in a way that doesn’t feel forced or awkward. Characters like Matt and Jenna may be considered pointless by a lot of fans, but I can’t even think of how this show would work as well as it does without them.

Last season, TWoP recapper Cindy McLennan had the task of handling both The Vampire Diaries and Lost. While the final season of Lost was growing more frustrating as the weeks went by, answering and resolving very few questions and plots, The Vampire Diaries gained more and more and more momentum, successfully wrapping up storylines that most television series would unnecessarily try to stretch out to last most of the season. It eventually resulted in weekly cliffhanger episodes endings typically only worthy of season finales and garnered respect as a legitimate quality program — not just the guilty pleasure it was once considered.

To the outside viewer, this may come as an exaggeration — surely a Twilight rip-off couldn’t provide quality entertainment, and surely it’s just some True Blood loving fangirls who are too dense to see the “surprises” coming. But honestly, those judgments couldn’t be any farther from the truth. If we were to really get into it, The Vampire Diaries just might be the true heir to the Buffy the Vampire Slayer/Angel throne.

First of all, the female protagonist isn’t a brainless twit devoid of personality. Case in point? Really dumping her (actually, not at all creepy and possessive like Edward Cullen or Bill Compton) vampire boyfriend for the good of all. And secondofly (yeah, that just happened), I don’t need to defend why this show is so great — just obey my dog me and watch it.

-LaToya (ironicalness)

Smallville - Season 10 Episode 4 - “Homecoming”

200th episode, baby! (I hate my life. As I write this with my glass of vodka wine, I have an expression on my face similar to Clark’s above.)

Bug Boy from the second episode (of the entire series) was in the previouslies, and I was immediately brought back to a simple time. A time where every other freak of the week (male and female) wanted to make Lana Lang their bride, Chloe Sullivan had Chloe Hair, black people (at one point, there were three whole African Americans) actually existed in Smallville, and Lex Luthor brought sexy back, Amy Adams ate roadkill in the form of a deer in the middle of the road, and Clark Kent wasn’t the massive douchenozzle he is today.

I really, really miss early Smallville, you guys.

Especially since early Smallville would remind us that Bug Boy died, and he would have no reason to “thank” Clark for everything, and his entire tiny subplot in this episode is a waste of my life. They should’ve brought back Shawn Ashmore. I still haven’t gotten over the fact that not once in Seasons Six through Eight did we ever have anyone mention that fact that Not!Jimmy Olsen looked identical to Eric Summers. Biggest failure of the entire series (followed by the entire “Doomsday” fiasco).

So now in the present, Clark thinks Jor-El’s right that he’s not “the one” destined to be Earth’s savior…and that maybe none of the heroes are. This isn’t really new, but it’s particularly eyeroll-inducing when you remember that he basically told Kara just last week that he came up with the Justice League and Watchtower (when that couldn’t be any further from the truth). Just because he’s pathetic and doesn’t see the purpose in what he’s doing doesn’t mean the rest of the heroes are that jaded (see Oliver…and every superhero on this show not named Clark Kent).

Can’t help loving that Superman of mine.

Lois is still doing that whole “I know but you don’t know I know” thing, and my reaction is this: shoot. me. in. the. head. Please. Put me out of my misery. I beg of you, show.

Instead of putting me out of my misery, the show decides to have a five-year high school reunion, which I hear happens in the real world, but is certainly far more common in TV land. Lois shows up, because even though she only attended for a week (or 23 days, if you’re going to go with the show’s “canon”), she wants to remind us all that she’s an academic failure who only got out of high school because “he’s clearly so bad, he helps friends of friends of friends” Lex Luthor made a few calls to get her into Metropolis U (which she didn’t even graduate from, because no one on this show graduated from college, besides Chloe…I think). It made for a funny (read, “annoying”) gag of absolutely no one in this cow town that she constantly bitched about leaving in nearly every one of her episodes in Season Four remembering her very existence.

I guess she’ll get the last laugh, though, since in the future everyone will know the name Lois Lane, and Chloe Sullivan will be such a vague memory you’d think she didn’t exist before Smallville or something.

See what I did there?

In what I’m sure was an unintentional hilarious moment, I found myself laughing my ass off at the guidance counselor who clearly had to endure all of the meteor freaks blaming Clark Kent for the problems (I assume these complaints would be post-Belle Reve “rehabilitation”). She even had a Clark Kent voodoo doll! It’s just a shame Brainiac had to lobotomize her — she was fun times.

We get a couple of flashbacks to the pilot during the five-year high school reunion, which not only reminds us how young and precious (well, that one’s subjective when it comes to Lana Lang) these actors were back in the day, but points out how empty the cast is now, especially when you watch the opening credits (only four regular cast members, so there’s an increase in the number of clips between each actor’s name). There’s no Lana, no Chloe, no Pete…and the mortality and institutionalization rates of the students during Clark’s time there certainly made for a pretty small reunion. Clark even smirks when he sees Chloe’s name tag at the reunion, so you wouldn’t even think his best friend just faked her own death and turned up missing, to a level where she basically doesn’t exist anymore (except for at Smallville High, I guess — in a reality that uses logic, those would be the first records she’d completely sweep clean, but whatever).

There’s a meta moment that was humorous until you realized the writers just used what they knew from years of scouring the interwebs and still haven’t figured out just how awful of a character Lana Lang was. It starts with this reunion chick going on about how she thought Chloe and Clark would go the best friends to lovers route (instead, she upgraded with Not!Jimmy, Davis, and Oliver):

But then there was Lana. I mean, how gorgeous can you get, right? And hard-working! I mean how many cheerleaders run a coffee shop in high school? Lana and Clark were perfect. You know that first love — you never get over it.

Yup, the writers still have that collective hard-on for Lana Lang. There are about ten things I could rant about from that little speech, but I’d like to finish writing this sometime soon. You can ask box me up if you want to know more.

Blah blah blah Brainiac 5 blah blah Clark sees his future and everything is peachy keen.

See, here’s the thing: from day one, Clark has been all about making his own destiny. That’s the thing that’s supposed to make his evolution into Superman so fascinating. But they’ve screwed this character up so much that the only way they can show him becoming a hero is by showing him the future so he knows what to do to make it happen. Destiny set. He doesn’t have to worry, because as he says, “This is what I become.” Now that Clark knows his future, what’s the point? He knows it all works out and what to do to make it work out. It’s insta!character growth if ever there was any.

Meanwhile, Ollie continues to be the only member of The Only Interesting Characters Trio that actually gets screentime (has Lil’ Alexander killed Tess yet, or…) and proves to be the real hero of this story. Also, the poor guy needs a hug — Douchebag Kent won’t even answer his phonecalls.

Superman, ladies and gents!

Because it is the 200th episode of this series, as well as the last season, I figured I’d make a list of my top 10 episodes (the only reason it’s not a top 20 is because I couldn’t fill that) of the series — the ones that remind me that I used to truly love this series, despite all of its (seemingly small, compared to how the show is now) flaws. Watch them and think of me…in a non-creepy way, of course.

• Pilot (1x01)
• Leech (1x12)
• Tempest (1x21)
• Exile (3x01)
• Shattered (3x08)
• Obsession (3x14)
• Memoria (3x19)
• Unsafe (4x11)
• Splinter (5x07)
• Justice (6x11)

 -LaToya (fergaliciousdef)

Glee - Season 2 Episode 4 - “Duets”

I categorize my enjoyment of an episode of Glee by the ratio of the number of rants I have to give in my review to the number of positive points. This week, I have three and a half rant points, but only only one of them was the result of watching the episode — the rest were the result of reading various fan reaction after the fact.

So basically, I really enjoyed this episode.

Rachel and Finn seemed to have successfully exorcised their demons (for this week, at least) from their bodies, and reminded me of the characters I once loved and sort of liked well enough, respectively (sorry Finnocence). I only felt the urge to vomit twice during “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart” — drummer!Finn and Brad the piano player lowered that number drastically — and they lead to one of my favorite moments ever, shown above in screencap form.

I had never heard “With You, I’m Born Again” prior to this episode, and I actually had to check to make sure it wasn’t somehow related to The Thornbirds. But the first time I watched this scene, my facial expressions were equal parts Quinn’s reaction to this performance, Quinn’s (Dianna Agron makes some good faces, okay?) reaction to Finn’s Christ love in “Grilled Cheesus,” Mercedes’ “This isn’t happening,” and Rachel’s crazy eyes in “Run Joey Run.”

Why do I have this song on repeat on iTunes right now?

Between Rachel’s ignorance and Finn’s idiocy, watching these two fools scheme was actually funny. There, I said it.

Their plan wasn’t even good, but even without having a subplot of his own, Will Schuester continued to be completely inept as a teacher and a functioning human being by not informing the kids that they shouldn’t vote for themselves (which they all did, except for Finn and Rachel). Then again, that is the only realistic way any rendition of “Lucky” could beat Santana/Mercedes’ “River Deep, Mountain High” and Tina/Mike’s “Sing!”. And “Victor/Victoria” still isn’t a duet, even if I love that Kurt’s middle name is Elizabeth. (I’m not mentioning the final duet, because that involves the controversial discussion of Lea Michele as the second coming of Barbra, me wanting to touch Rachel and Kurt’s outfits, and a lot of other things Tumblr Watches TV just isn’t ready for.

Plus there were only 11 members in the episode, so unless Will was planning to pull another “Endless Love” out of his hat, he’s really just an idiot.

Puck — the missing member — was in juvie this episode for doing something badass (don’t even try to deny it), because either:

• Mark Salling parties too hard and is being punished
• Mark Salling did not clearing the musical stylings (of Mark Salling) with FOX and is being punished
• Mark Salling got upset about Naya Rivera bustin’ the windows out his non-existent Lexus…and is being punished
• Mark Salling is a good person and it’s a family-related absence 

Those four seem to be the general rumor mill answers, even though I just made up that third point (hire me, Us Weekly?). I do choose to believe that Puck is actually pulling a fast one on all of them and is in Offscreenville being an adorable and nursing an ailing relative. St. Puck the (Jewish) Patron Saint of Badassery (thank you, “Grilled Cheesus”) would do that, so…it’s pretty much canon.

And now for the thing that only merits half a rant point: “Is Mark Salliing still on the show?”. Yes, he is, and you’re an idiot. (“Why was his name in the opening credits?” He’s a regular cast member, his absence from the episode doesn’t change that, and you’re still an idiot.)

I hate to call people idiots, but… No, wait, that’s not true.

This week, the show got gayer than ever, but in the best way possible. Quinn is adorkable (so adorkable I’m going to give him a free pass for seeing Avatar six times even though we all know once is bad enough) Sam’s big gay beard (Dear Ryan Murphy, changing the course of the Sam plot in future episodes because of spoiler damage control isn’t going to change the fact that that was the original purpose of this storyline, xoxo LaToya), even though he only admits to having colored his hair.

Now to the stuff that I actually cared about — Brittany and Santana. (Don’t worry, I’ll talk about Kurt too.)

It’s funny — in that pathetic way lots of things are when it comes to the horrible parts of Glee — that “Britney/Brittany” was basically the “Brittany S. Pierce episode” and I learned (well, it really just confirmed my head canon) more about the Brittany character in this episode than I did in that forty-plus minute music video I’m still very bitter about. Brittany and Santana’s relationship, in my opinion, is the purest, most honest relationship on the show, and if I have to get shippy about things, they are my OTP (everyone else can jump off a cliff of eternal true love for all I care). Despite moments of vulnerability with Brittany, Santana is pretty much the female Puck when it comes to her emotional retardation (well, emotions other than “jealousy” and “I need to smack a bitch”).

So from the moment Brittany suggested they sing a song that just screamed, “FOR US, SEX IS DATING! WE’RE HERE, WE’RE QUEER, AND…what else rhymes with ‘here’ and ‘queer’?” I knew no good could come from this. There was practically a flashing red light over Santana’s head and a voice on a loud speaker saying, “Danger, Will Robinson!” While Kurt is constantly looking for someone else to be out in the open with, Santana actually has that person…and is, quite frankly, scared shitless about her sexuality.

Of course, that’s not an emotion Santana does well, so crush, kill, destroy is her go to defense mechanism when she finally realizes that Brittany may have true feelings for someone else (it’s the same thing she does with Puck, but who can blame her for wanting Puckzilla all to herself, amirite?). Thankfully, that doesn’t solve her problem though, because despite the fact that she gets Wheels away from her girl, she doesn’t get her either. And then we have one of the most heart-breaking moments of the series (and certainly more emotional than single tears shed over Finn set to the music of Paramore…) — Brittany. Lady and the Tramp. Meatball. Forever Alone.

(Also, I’ve decided that when it comes to Santana, breadsticks are a metaphor for Brittany. Don’t you dare try to doubt me.)

Now I realize that the ‘Kurt is actually really creepily obsessed with Finn, and this is unhealthy — Finn already turned him down in the third episode when he was still telling people he wasn’t gay — why does no one say anything about this?’ (not to be confused with Rachel’s own ‘Rachel is actually really creepily obsessed with Finn and this is unhealthy — and did she just say they should elope?!? —  why does no one say anything about this?’) storyline was mostly played for laughs in the first season, but by the time it got completely serious in “Theatricality,” Kurt needed to be called out about his behavior. I was even more ecstatic that this happened, due to the Comic-Con situation — someone asked an intelligent question about Kurt getting absolutely zero blame in the entire Finn/Kurt situation, and he got booed.

I kind of hate this fandom, by the way.

(Though if I’d been there, I’d have asked why they want to force feed us these “endgame” relationships that really bring out the worst in the characters more often than not. I would probably get pelted with slushies in lieu of fruit.)

So that’s why I’m giving Finn a get out of jail free pass this week. We all know that Finn has this unhealthy obsession with his popularity and keeping up appearances — it’s his greatest character flaw, really and the reason for many of the problems I have with the character on a regular basis, no matter how attractive Cory Monteith is — and it’s no surprise he would act the way he did to Kurt and Sam (who don’t have the same obsession). I didn’t interpret it as an underlying homophobia, and really, Kurt was actively pursuing a guy who wasn’t interested in him at all (1. Finn was at least into Rachel when she was stalking him, and 2. Finn was right — role reversals would dictate that anyone in that position would bust out the restraining order)  I’ll also choose to ignore his reaction to Sam trying to kiss Quinn, because there’s only so many times I can talk about how Finn and Rachel just need to spare us all and break up, and really, Finn wasn’t the absolute worst this week.

But if Artie Abrams were a real person, I would push him out of his wheelchair so hard, he’d regain feeling in his legs.

Artie is not a good guy. Being in a wheelchair, rocking the sweater vests (which aren’t even as endearing as Rachel’s animal sweaters that I miss dearly and wish would come back), and wearing suspenders when he already has a belt does not make him instantly less of an ass. It makes him an ass who just so happens to be a geek, which is never good — if you’re going to be one, you really shouldn’t be the other. He wants to make Tina jealous (which doesn’t actually happen by the way, because she’s too busy being distracted by her adorable boyfriend who treats her well), by dating Brittany. Alright, Brittany wants to make Santana jealous too — it happens. He lets Brittany — who has had 30 sexual conquests, by the way — take his virginity. No protests, and he’d seem a little bit giddy if he didn’t seem so awestruck by the fact that she carried him (weren’t we all?). No big deal, right? Brittany sleeps with everyone. Puck, that guy in the cafeteria, maybe even Mike (blame my head canon from the first 13 for that one). It’s common knowledge that I’m pretty sure even Mr. Schue knows.

So… why does Artie try to slut shame her about it when he breaks up with her?

If his virginity was as precious to him as Mr. Feeny’s walking lessons, why would he give it up to her in the first place?

Yeah, I’d like an honest, intelligent answer to that any day now.

While you ponder that I have the next, and last, rant point of the episode — all of the people complaining about the sexual content on this show. I’m sorry, but nothing is going to beat “Like a Virgin” anyway — especially the part where Finn motorboats Santana — so why is this still a topic up for debate? Glee is a TV-14 program and always has been. The second episode had a joke about how lack of a gag reflex would be a blessing one day (it was the day thousands of fan fics were born, I’m sure). I’m sorry you don’t like the lesbians touching each other, but change the channel and move the hell fuck (I’m not rated TV-14) on. Most words that comes out of Ryan Murphy’s mouth are loads of crap, and him calling the show a “family show” was just one of those instances that a bunch of (I really want to say “idiots” again since it’s not like I’d lose my target demo) people happened to believe. Lack of sex in a Ryan Murphy joint is cause for alarm, if you ask me. And really, Glee should aspire to have an episode that features a musical about STDs (I miss Popular like Will misses bad rap).

/rant

In conclusion, I enjoyed this episode thoroughly, I could keep going on this subject for awhile, and my ask box is open for comments.

-LaToya (fergaliciousdef)

90210 - Season 3 Episode 5 - “Catch Me If You Cannon”

My Glee review requires the use of quite a few gifs — I can be a bit theatrical — and about a thousand more words — and a bit prolific — so you all get this review first.

(This is really just me being nostalgic about this show and has absolutely nothing to do with anything other than the fact that I pretty much loathe the Beach Club set at this point, but… Remember how the Peach Pit was around in the first season, along with a cross-promotion with Dr. Pepper, the Sunkist of Beverly Hills? I prefer that to the Beach Club. Can we go back? We have to go back!)

Now to our regularly scheduled drivel about 90210.

Yes, this episode’s title is a play on Catch Me If You Can, one of my favorite movies of all time and my favorite (actually, one of the very few I actually like) Spielberg flick. No, this episode is nowhere near the quality of that film, and these characters shouldn’t even be allowed to breathe the same air as Leonardo DiCaprio.

This week, Silver, Naomi, and Adrianna have a plan to prove that Mr. Rapey is, you guessed it, rapey. Adrianna is a part of this plan, because Navid is doing that thing I hate where he just disappears from an episode and it seems she’s taking a week off from being sexually harassed by Javier’s uncle. None of this To Catch a Predator-esque plan triggers any PTSD for Naomi, because after she told Silver the truth, she got over that whole rape thing. That’s how it works, don’t you know?

(Just to be clear, because even I realize I’m getting out of control — I don’t take rape lightly. This show does (hell, it takes vehicular manslaughter lightly), and I don’t take this show seriously at all.)

So Silver seduces Rapey online with a bunch of ellipses (“dot dot dot”), but as it turns out, he’s not a complete idiot and caught on to her not so fool proof plan. Silver, sweetie — he liked you better when you were playing hard to get. Now the principal and school shrink think she’s even crazier (remember, she’s bi-polar, and that was kind of a thing — and an interesting thing, at that — in the first season). I know that really sucks, but when they mentioned how they would have to contact Silver’s family, it gave me hope that Kelly is still alive. Not that I like Kelly (who does?), but any original recipe Beverly Hills 90210 appearances are fine by me at this point in the series. If this show were in the business of making me happy, we’d get David (You’re so precious to me, am I precious to yooouu? forever) as her legal guardian now.

Sadly, this show is in the business of pissing me off.

Like reminding me constantly that Annie and Chris Brown are characters that exist, or that it’s a consistent character trait for Dixon to prefer lie to a girl he’s dating than tell her anything even resembling the truth, or that Grandpa Teddy’s gay (without any of the actual gay stuff except for not being able to get it up while with a slutty girl who probably has STDs anyway).

So if I’m remembering correctly, and I hope not, because that would mean more of this show seeped into my brain than I ever intended, Chris Brown didn’t just do the credit card stuff to Liam. Apparently, he did something even worse, and… I’m sorry, why are we supposed to care about this guy? He’s just another horrible guy for Annie to have horrible screentime with, and I hope instead of a sext this season, Annie’s the victim of a sex tape that causes her to drop out of school, change her name, an escape to Tijuana (it would be ideal if she pulled a Marissa Cooper while she’s there too).

Annie is also backing out of giving her creepy boss her eggs, which even someone as dumb as, well, her should realize is going to end up horribly. Blah blah exposition about the magical powers of having a baby blah blah shut up, Annie. You don’t see Adrianna crying about her baby, do you?

Continuing from last week, Dixon is really worried that he may have the hivvy, because he and Fake Baby Mama didn’t use condoms every time they did the statutory tango. He clearly didn’t get the message that he’s a series regular on a CW show, and that if he really wanted all this Fake Baby Mama drama out of his life, he should have condomless sex (again) with her on a rooftop — standing up, of course — until she plummets to her death.

Sorry, I’ve been meaning to rewatch Nip/Tuck lately, so I have it on the brain. Ignore all of that crazy. Except for “statutory tango” — that was inspired.

Of course, he doesn’t confide in Ivy about any of this — as expected from skeevy Oscar’s (I can see they’re going for a ‘nasty hot’ thing with him, but he’s lacking the hot…and an actual British accent) calculating skeeviness last week — and instead tells her he still has feelings for Fake Baby Mama (who was insane if we really look back at last season — if you’re going to lie, at least say you have feelings for an ex that’s only a little insane, like Silver). So it’s not her fault when she sleeps with skeevy Oscar.

Actually, it is. Because she’s an idiot too. It’s also Liam’s fault, because he should’ve locked that virginity thing down last season so it wouldn’t be a plot point this season.

Meanwhile, back in Screencap Land, Teddy is still gay and angry about it, while Kyle Riabko is still gay and angry at Teddy. I know what you’re thinking — hate sex now, right?

Of course not. Just a lot of shouting while invading each other’s personal space and one saving the other from dying in an act of repressed homosexual masculinity (don’t ask me what the even means). It was boring.

Unlike Jen, who’s back! Want an unpopular opinion? I adore this character. She hates every character on this show almost as much as I do, and it’s great. It’s just a shame she has feelings for I’m Not An Alchy Anymore Mr. Matthews (but seriously, how did he get over his alcoholism?) and didn’t sell her baby on the black market like I would have she should to cement her place as the best character on this show. Her insulting Lori Loughlin (who was just failing at all walks of life this week, no matter what the writers want us to think) and firing nurses were the things my slightly sociopathic dreams are made of.

…

I can’t even explain why I do this to myself anymore.

-LaToya (fergaliciousdef)

Smallville - Season 10 Episode 3 - “Supergirl”

Thanks to a title card, we know that the episode opens three weeks ago. Darkseid is still a cloud…until he possesses Gordon Godfrey, the latest comic book character Smallville has its heart set on “reinterpreting.” Godfrey was content just going after illegal aliens (who are stealing our jobs and ruining “truth, justice, and the American way” and blah blah Glenn Beck goes Smallville blah), but thanks to Darkseid, he turns into a metaphorical pitchfork-wielding zealot, prone to spewing anti-vigilante (anti-“mutant”) propaganda.

Sounds like the type of person Lois Lane (a pure soul, but I’m getting ahead of myself) would go after!

And it is!

Lois is back from Egypt — aka “Africa,” in general — and because there’s nothing she can’t do, she got Not!Cat Grant sent away to Alaska. There are a few Smallville characters I’d rather be shipped off to Alaska than Not!Cat Grant, but they’re also the characters the writers seem to inexplicably love, so… yeah. At some point during the return of Lois scene, I was hit with the harsh reality that Erica Durance is now the lead female of the series, and I took a moment to pause and weep.

I’m choosing not to discuss the fact that the climax of this episode took place in a sex club (which of course meant Lois in leather and bondage, of course), because it made me roll my eyes so much I got a headache.

Oliver also gave me a headache, when he proved to be the dumbest of The Only Interesting Characters Trio (and the only one even in this episode) by revealing his identity as Green Arrow to the press — in preparation for next week’s 200th episode, of course. But his first scene was shirtless, so… I’ll let it slide. 

In case you couldn’t tell from the episode title and the screencap used (featuring a headline that a woman named Lois Lane — who is no stranger to other double-L’s or a character named Gordon Godfrey in this very episode — mocks for its use of alliteration), Kara Zor-El (or Kara Kent, if we’re continuing on with the alliteration thing, which we are) is back to remind us all that she’s far superior to Clark in every possible way. She’s still personality-less and boring, but you know, it happens. Sadly, she didn’t ask how Jimmy was, so all expectation (just the one) I had for her character in this episode was dashed. Jor-El sent her to be Earth’s savior against the “dark force” (FACT: if Chloe were around, they’d already be calling him Darkseid), because Clark is a failure who is no longer his son.

Clark takes this super hard, despite at least four seasons — at least — of constantly telling Jor-El “you’re not my dad!” and tries to get Kara to help him get back in Jor-El’s good graces. This involves flying lessons that at least go better than last time (which was basically, “Clark no want talk this anymore. Want talk about LANA!111”) and…Kara saving Clark’s impure soul from being possessed by Darkseid.

Superman, ladies and gentlemen.

-LaToya (fergaliciousdef)

The Vampire Diaries - Season 2 Episode 5 - “Kill or Be Killed”

This week on The Vampire Diaries: Damon learns the true meaning of friendship, Stefan comes up with a really dumb idea, Elena forgets that she’s supposed to be the anti-Bella Swan, Tyler continues to court Jeremy, and Mason is just the worst.

Hmm… When I put it like that, it kind of sounds like an episode that reached a awfulness level of epic proportions. Thankfully, that wasn’t the case, and The Vampire Diaries continues its streak of being the best vampire show on television. It’s amazing how good writing and acting can make even the most ridiculous sounding things come off well.

Take notes True Blood — you just might learn something.

“Killed or Be Killed” continues where last week’s episode left off in the Lockwood storyline and opens with a flashback to a year ago in Florida. Short story even shorter, Mason Lockwood accidentally kills his friend (who has it in his head that Mason was messing around with his girl behind his back) in the lamest way possible (seriously, rewatch the scene) and is stuck with the Lockwood curse of lycanthropy. In the present, Mason is telling the story to Tyler and basically gives him the worst news ever — if he’s responsible for someone else’s death (it could even be something as  universally deemed as “not your fault” as driving and being hit by a drunk driver and that driver dying), he’s cursed too.

Luckily Tyler has his lover Matt replacement frenemy, Jeremy (who Elena clues into the werewolf stuff), to talk him through all of this. It would all be much nicer if that hussy from “Bad Moon Rising” and her sketchy friend weren’t there to ruin everything. Who laughs after they fall down the stairs and almost die? Sketchy friends of hussies, that’s who. At least her blood wasn’t on Tyler’s hands though — in just a short amount of time, she managed to be my least favorite character on this show.

Stefan and Elena continue their fake fight from last week’s episode, only Damon realizes it’s fake, Caroline doesn’t even get a chance to report to Katherine on it, and it kind of just implodes after that. So really… it didn’t do much of anything.

Hey, remember how I said Mason was the worst? Well that’s because, thanks to him, Sheriff Forbes now knows Damon, Stefan, and Caroline are vampires. Of course, when Mason first told her how Damon’s a vampire, she didn’t believe him because Damon’s her friend (her words, not mine — I laughed when she said them). He must be her only friend, because she took it pretty hard when she found out about him (shot him a few times, planned to kill him, etc…), even after he reassured her that he is her friend.

Seriously, I wish I were making this bestest friend business up.

Sheriff Forbes also joins Bonnie in the “I care so much about you, Caroli… Oh wait, you’re a vampire now? Bitch, you gotsta go” club. It’s sad, but it gave us Damon defending Caroline, and that just warmed my shipper heart for the beautifully unhealthy relationship that was — and forever will be — Damon/Caroline.

Plus, they can’t be any more unhealthy than Stefan and Bella Swan Sookie Stackhouse anyone who is not Buffy Elena now. So Stefan’s going to go on the people blood to eventually take on Katherine. That’s a good idea in theory — it doesn’t help that Stefan’s a junkie, but he can try to get over it, I guess. The bad idea comes from Elena, who decides if her man is going to feast on the blood of the innocent, she is going to be the innocent.

Meanwhile, Mason continues to still be the worst. As it turns out, he’s in league with Katherine. And when I say “in league,” I mostly mean “in sex.” Turns out, he did mess around with his (now dead) friend’s girl — Katherine compelled him to do it! And she’s the reason he was obsessed with finding the moonstone (which Tyler gave him after the false alarm with sketchy stairs girl)! And now Katherine has the moonstone! And why does everyone park their car in the woods? Who does that?

But yeah, Mason? The worst. In a dumb guy sorta way, but still — he just ruined everything.

Oh, and over in Offscreenville, Jenna and Alaric were off day-drinking and looking things up on Bing. You can choose not to believe this, but I doubt you can come up with a better idea.

-LaToya (fergaliciousdef)

Undercovers - Season 1 Episode 3 - “Devices”

(Oh, I’ll look at you, baby. Preferably with this show on mute.)

I wish I could go into seemingly neverending rants about Undercovers like I do with Glee and 90210, but that would mean the show is actually something more than forty-plus minutes of high dull octane (does that even make sense?).

This week, the ab-alicious Steven is addicted to technology. And we know this is funny, because Undercovers goes the “repeat various phrases and sentences multiple times” route of comedy. You know, if more than one character says it, then is certainly must be funny.

Right?

Wrong.

So since we know that Undercovers doesn’t bring the comedy in “spy comedy,” and it’s been abundantly clear since the pilot that the spy aspect isn’t seriously lacking, what’s the point of the show?

Really, what is it?

I’m actually at the point where I don’t even pay attention to the plot, because when it’s as cliche as “the decoder isn’t a device — it’s a person…who has an unhealthy love for jelly beans and looks like Jesse McCartney’s doppelganger,” there’s really no need to focus. It’s paint by numbers espionage.

Though I think I know what the problem may be (other than lack of chemistry, predictability, and annoying side characters — hiya Fake Baby Mama from 90210). So far, each episode has been written by J.J. Abrams and Josh Reims. So anything that was wrong in the pilot, was still wrong in the second episode, as well as the third. Without the rest of the writing staff (please tell me there are other writers) getting in on the work, it’s difficult to know whether or not a slight variation of voice could be the solution. Glee has the opposite problem (with only having a writing team of three), where each writer’s voice is so clear that it’s really like watching three different shows, depending on the week.

Other than that, the only other realization I came to with this episode is the reason why Gugu (not even going to to bother to look up how to spell the rest of the actress’ name, so I’ll say just we’re on a first name basis now) isn’t given many opportunities to move out of her character’s monotonous comfort zone — the more excited the character gets, the worse her American accent gets.

This is honestly the most analysis I can squeeze out of this show.

-LaToya (fergaliciousdef)